The next random post

Having given little or no thought to blogging for the last several months, I return, once again, when my mind and heart are in turmoil. The last several months have been tumultuous, and full of transitions. I met a wonderful man (rbor), got a fulfilling (if temporary) job, launched a book I created (with the help of many contributors), gave a presentation on my experience with Christianity, and a myriad of other little outstanding things. I also was not invited back to teach my online class (not a big surprise, but a little sad), disengaged from my clients (also not a big surprise, given my major change in schedule/availability), and generally shut down all my income options other than my current job.

Most of the changes have been welcome, even though they’ve brought their own challenges. I have been long wanting a partner and Rbor is more than I ever could have hoped for and better than I had ever imagined. It’s unfortunate that his ex is not only (probably) mentally ill, but that she hasn’t been able to move on with her life. Her ongoing inappropriate and invasive behavior is proving very difficult for me to deal with. Even knowing that she’s likely unable to control herself, that she’s sick, I still feel so angry about her behavior, the invasion of privacy, the manipulation, and holding rbor’s access to his children hostage to her desire to stay informed about his & my relationship.

I’ve tried to stay as neutral as I can; to not fuel the fire or be the girlfriend who encourages the man to hate his ex; to remember that she’s the mother of his children and they deserve to have parents with a cordial relationship; to help rbor be reasonable and calm and not always assume the worst. I’ve tried so hard to model the behaviors I value and believe in. And I’ve managed, more and less.

But it felt so shitty to have to leave the family Thanksgiving gathering before she got there with the kids. I didn’t think it would bother me, but it did. Today, rbor told me that he was going to have one of the girls longer on his weekends – he’d forgotten to tell me not only that he was thinking about doing this on a ongoing basis, but that he’d actually made the arrangements with his ex. I found out because he was talking about needing to make arrangements for her for a night he’d made plans for us.

For some reason, it really hurt my feelings that he didn’t remember to tell me. It hurt my feelings a lot, even though it’s completely irrational. He and the ex make the custody decisions, not me. In the end, I guess that’s what really showed up – that I don’t have any say in something that stands to impact me a great deal. I can give an opinion, but that’s it. I feel like the least important person in the room – an interloper who has no voice in the family business.

I have to trust him. I have to trust him, whether I’m ready to or not – whether I believe I can or not. I have to trust that he feels strongly enough for me that he’ll try to make decisions that take me into consideration. I have to trust his judgment and that he truly does care for me and want me to be part of his life, and the girls’. I know it’s not a forever problem, but it does hurt.

I’ve also been feeling anxious about my job and money again. Financially, I feel like I’ve exhausted all my options. If I don’t get work, I don’t have anything else lined up. I don’t have any clients, I don’t have my online class, I only have a couple of hundred dollars in savings, I feel like I’ve tapped out my friends/family support. Even with a paycheck for the next couple of months, I’m feeling so worried about money. I don’t want to talk to rbor about it – it feels too awkward and humiliating. I don’t want him to know how scared I really am, how worried I am about taking care of myself. It’s humiliating to admit that I’m broke, and running out of options. He’s so hopeful and optimistic, but sometimes it’s impossible for me to touch hope OR optimism.

That’s part of it also – that I have this darkness inside of me; this hole of what feels like endless sorrow. I’ve been able to manage it much better these last several months, but it was only in May that I started seeing Shannon for what felt like significant depression. It’s only been six months since we started working together and that’s not very long. I do feel better, but that hole is still there and I don’t know what he would do if he knew about my dark side. I have more hope that I can stay stable, I’ve felt stable these last several months. Rbor has been a big part of that, but I feel like reality is setting in and it scares me. I’ve tried to be honest with him, but I don’t think he’s really seen it.

But who knows? Maybe I am better, maybe I am on the road to joy, and feeling hope for myself and for the world. I feel myself wanting to stay focused on the darkness, but I also feel some ability to realize that there is more than the darkness – that I also contain light, light that I can access

Well, I just had a long conversation with rbor and I feel better. I still have other anxieties, but the darkness has receded. Rbor helps me with that – he helps me know that I can choose to believe, I can choose to hope. I love him and am very grateful for his support and presence. I miss sroy, though, I’ll be so glad when she’s back and I can spend some time with her.

I should also note that rbor told me that I have made a big difference, that my voice HAS been heard, even if indirectly. He told me that our conversations, and many of my suggestions, have helped him change the way he interacts with his ex. He believes these changes are what have enabled them to break through some of their old dynamics and start moving forward. He also told me (again) that he believes I will be a strong, loving, and positive presence in his daughter’s lives. It made me cry to hear him say these things. Hearing them also made me feel useful, and that I am making a difference.

Defeat and mood swings

I suppose what stands out to me the most over the last several months has been the mood swings. I’ll go a couple of days feeling great and then plunge into despair. Sometimes, it happens from hour to hour within the day. I feel like I have no control over my emotional state, my responses, my feelings, or thoughts. I feel like I’m blown around by the slightest wind, running myself in dizzying circles at the lightest touch. I don’t remember ever being this unstable or fragile emotionally and it’s terrifying. It’s terrifying to feel so happy and hopeful one moment, then have the world come crashing down the next.

I confuse myself with my almost manic moments of gladness, which are often followed by a steep plunge into despair. Am I bipolar? Manic-depressive? I shift so quickly that it’s impossible to plan anything – I have no idea how I’ll be feeling when the moment arrives. Is this what it means to be human or is there something broken inside me? If feelings are the driving force behind how we create our lives, what am I creating for myself? Constantly shifting sands, ongoing uncertainty, swirling masses of instability? Is this who I am? I’ve been struggling for the last three years, is it possible that this is who I am now?

Sometimes, I feel like this is temporary (whatever “this” is), but sometimes I feel like maybe this is who I am. If my life reflects who I am, then what does this ongoing state of uncertainty say about me? I heard the word ‘fluidity’ when I wrote that, maybe that’s a better word, but I’m so down right now I can’t really follow that rabbit. Fluidity has a more positive connotation, but it’s hard to imagine being positive about myself right now. I feel so defeated – by my emotions and by my body. I injured my already injured knee again – first time in a long time – and I wasn’t able to attend Dawn & Mark’s wedding.

One of my clients is starting to sound impatient with me, although the lack of progress isn’t entirely my responsibility. I understand his frustration though – I have been off my game these last few weeks. I just don’t want to have to think about it anymore. I’m tired of struggling to make it, constantly worrying, and walking the edge of despair. How can I have a life so rich with interesting projects and loving relationships, yet still so full of fear and anxiety?

Enough

I’ve been floating; feeling empty, husked out, drained of all effort. I just can’t “do” anymore – even if what I’ve already done wasn’t right, wasn’t good enough, wasn’t my best, it’s over for now. What that means in reality? I don’t know. The end of August is a big deadline – both my steady sources of income are going away – and nothing is on the horizon yet.

And I can’t find it in myself to care that much. I feel like an animal, watching a vehicle race toward me and dumbly waiting for the impact. Or like I’m in a barrel, racing towards a huge dropoff, and I’ve just given up hoping that I won’t shoot over the edge. It’s not a peaceful, joyful releasing of expectation – it’s blind, panic-driven hysterical exhaustion. Or that’s what it feels like. I’m wandering around, doing little chores and stuff, and ignoring what feels like my impending doom.

I watched Midnight in Paris last night with a friend. We were talking about Woody Allen’s character ‘types’, the way they are so verbose about their neurosis and are neurotic about *everything*!! When we were talking, I couldn’t really relate to that level of neurosis, but I may have been wrong. Maybe I think my neurosis is less severe because I’m neurotic about “important” things only. Whatever those important things are. So now here’s a heaping helping of crow, sitting on the table to be eaten.

I am always second-guessing myself, even if I don’t let on to other people. I try to appear so confident and decision, so in control – like I know what I’m doing and am making good decisions. If that were true, wouldn’t I be employed by now? Wouldn’t my career and financial stability be on track? Wouldn’t I have at least some idea of what my daily life will look like in 6 weeks? Wouldn’t I be making a better overall showing of being human?

But there’s the rub. In reading Karen Armstrong’s “12 Steps to a Compassionate Life”, I realized yet again that I really don’t like being “human”. I don’t like all those foibles, inconsistencies, the pettiness and forgetfulness, the lies and hidden things, the grossness and crudity, the worry and anger and sadness and dissatisfaction, the endless rejection, judging, and rejecting, the disappointment and disillusionment, any of it. I hate all of it.

Why would we ever choose this? Why would we ever want to subject ourselves to this misery? What could possibly make all this suffering worthwhile? In my life, I’m not sure I’ve experienced anything that’s made me feel like it’s worth it to be here – to be incarnated in this body, at this time. Looking at my life as an observer, I seem like a whining, ungrateful, unappreciative piece of shit. My problems are so small compared to the suffering of the world, what right do I have to be unhappy?

I’ve been avoiding this post

for months and months, because it’s a return to my online journaling/venting and I have been trying to avoid that too. But I’m going to write something and maybe that’ll get it out of my system.

Yesterday, I took a few moments to meditate and connect and I realized that my fundamental belief for many years has been that life is hard. I made the decision to start shifting that to life is fun, but this type of shift takes a while to internalize. Today, life doesn’t feel fun. I feel distressed, overwhelmed, and that everything I should be doing is slipping away from me. It feels like my life has so many missing pieces that are always moving moving moving – that never settle down – and I can’t even track them anymore.

As I try to write this, I find that I can’t even figure out what to write. It’s like the writing is totally useless and irrelevant, in addition to being whiny and complaining. If I decided to shift my thinking, how do I bring that shift to the forefront when I feel like this? Even my latte is bad today. I’m sick to death of having these same thoughts, feeling these same feelings, coming back to the same place in my life – uncertainty, instability, lack of safety. What have I done to myself?

Crabby me

It’s been a long long time since I posted. I’ve been catching thoughts and feelings in a couple of other places, but I like coming here when I’ve got a lot to dump or am feeling particularly grouchy.

And I am feeling grouchy. At myself. l’ve been working this part-time gig at the local comm coll for the past year. It’s a decent gig, not gigantic pay, but it’s been a lifesaver. I’ve applied for the fulltime position that’s open in the office, but the hiring process has slowed to a crawl and it’s all been on hold while we wade through our busy season. I applied back in mid-December, it’s now end of March, and interviews haven’t even been scheduled.

It’s frustrating for two major reasons. First – because I’m part time, I tend to be more flexible with my schedule than I probably should be. I should just pick 20 hours a week and say ‘no, can’t change my schedule’. Actually, I’m being unfair. My schedule was pretty set for a while but our busy season has dictated some changes. I also got the okay to work more hours, so I’ve been trying to pick up a few (not as many as I thought I’d be picking up for reasons I will get to). Secondly, I still feel in limbo with regard to my working situation. Without having the question of “full time job or part-time job” settled, I feel like a spastic amoeba. That’s the job-related frustration.

I also somehow managed to pick up some clients through my personal business. Clients who actually want me to work and have projects for me to do. And I feel like I’m failing them miserably! I’m only managing to put in a few hours a week at best and all three could use probably at least 5, one could use 10. Two of these are paying me more than I’m making at my part-time gig, although I have no benefits. The other is sort of a favor for a friend.

I’m also still doing my volunteer work, managing a collaborative book project, trying to socialize, keeping up my business/volunteer network connections, and dance a little. I remember this time of year last year was insane also because of the same reasons – busy season at work and budget season at the city (requires more effort on the volunteer front). I also was out of town for 3 days at a dance congress, which I’m still not sure was worth the money or time.

I feel like I’ve taken so much on my plate that things are slipping – that unloading one thing is critical, two would be better. But I don’t know what to unload, yet. I get home and have no energy for working (or little energy). I go to bed early and am getting up later than I need to. I’m not eating well, not getting quite enough exercise, and not giving myself any space.

The best thing I can say is that I’m not winding myself up with the “why don’t I have a relationship?” question at the moment. That’s a pretty big plus, but not enough to balance all this other stuff.

I need a couple of days with no commitments to settle myself down, I think. Or maybe one or two good work sessions will help.

Goals

After some introspection, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve lost the ability to set goals for myself. My inability to create the work I want or to provide for myself in the way I deserve has eroded my confidence almost entirely. I remind myself that I’ve been able to survive and keep moving, but lately, that doesn’t seem to matter much. I also feel like I’ve been complaining a great deal, or just thinking lots of surly thoughts. Even if I’m not saying them, they’re there.

When I’m not dancing, I mainly feel numb and gray. I spent 8 hours working today and it was awful. Sitting there, in a cube, looking at the computer and evaluating applications was the pits. Made my back hurt too, which created a massive headache. The thought of doing that 5 days a week makes me sad. But the thought of doing that stuff all day, every day, makes me want to cry.

I’m not even sure what I would want to set goals for anymore.

2011 has arrived

I haven’t posted in a long time. The holidays were better than I expected, got to spend a lot of quality time with Sroyce, which was lovely. I also spent a hell of a lot of time driving around, socializing. I’m finding that socializing takes more and more of my energy – it doesn’t revitalize me like it used to. I don’t feel depressed anymore, but I’ve felt like I’ve needed an inordinate amount of sleep the last few weeks.

I think it’s partly all the running around, but it’s also just mental and emotional wear down. These last 9 months have been difficult, to say the least. The last 3 were probably the worst. So maybe this is just recovery time – time to rest before slogging back onto the road to survival. Even with my newly acquired perspective on opportunity as a way to create experiences, it still feels overwhelming.

I have to hope that 2011 will bring a measure of stability and security. I have to believe that I am loved and supported – by the universe, my friends, and my family. I have to believe in myself – in my ability to create the life I want and deserve.

Paralyzing failure

I feel like a complete failure. I don’t know what I’ve been doing wrong, that I would be so financially unstable for such a long period of time. I can’t even completely sink into self-pity because I know I’ve had successes, but they don’t feel like successes right now. I cannot understand why I haven’t been able to find a decent, fulltime job. I just can’t understand it. I’m starting to feel hopeless and paralyzed. I can’t even make a decision about applying for jobs because it all seems so futile. It feels like this career change is just stopped dead in its tracks. Because I didn’t tailor my education for a specific career and I haven’t been in any relevant jobs for a significant amount of time, I feel screwed.

But I can’t bring myself to go back to tech writing or teaching technology, I just can’t. But maybe that’s just a lack of self-discipline. Lots of people do stuff they hate every day in order to pay the bills. Am I fucking myself over that badly? After teaching those classes earlier this year, the thought of teaching more of them makes me want to vomit. I would teach technology, but not using that shitty-ass curriculum. And I feel like my tech skills are getting dated. I don’t have the Adobe package and I don’t want it. I’m not a designer, I’m a writer. But both tech training & writing positions are asking for the Adobe stuff these days – guess they’re trying to get more bang for the buck. I’m not even sure I could get a job in either of those arenas anymore.

I’m not sure where that leaves me. I’m well-suited to any number of education/coaching/mentoring/lifeskills development/marketing/outreach/communications positions but, again, since I’m switching careers, my experience seems to count for little. I’m an over-educated, entry level peon in the tightest job market our country has seen in 80 years. I feel so screwed. I don’t know where the money to pay the crop of bills sitting on my desk is going to come from. I’ve never been this close to not paying them as I feel right now. I know that there are people much much worse off than me and that I have a lot to be grateful for.

But I’m scared. Scared that I won’t be able to get back on my feet, scared that I’ll spend the rest of my life scrabbling from check to check. Scared that I haven’t done enough – that I really am a lazy fuck and addicted to getting sympathy from people. I’m scared that I’m my sister, making excuses for why my life is going nowhere. I’m scared that I’m reaping the rewards for a series of bad decisions and poor judgment and that nothing I can do will turn things around. I’m ashamed that I can’t find a job or a way to generate money to take care of myself. Scared that after all is said and done, I really am just a loser that the universe wasted a life on.

“L” spells unhappy

Well, things with L were absolutely fine. As far as I was concerned, we had settled things and mutually decided that our working relationship was priority. And that was working very well for me. Until last week, when he opened the can of worms again. He started the flirting and actually asked whether or not a casual ‘thing’ was still on the table. I said possibly, if we had a conversation, and then he disappeared. Not a peep out of him for over three days.

So I’ve gone around the emotional corral these last few days – from being sad to disappointed to angry to frustrated and confused. I felt like he disrespected and trivialized our friendship. But then I realized that I probably just valued it more than he did and that his ‘reconsidering’ likely just didn’t mean that much to him. I’ve been avoiding contacting him because I was feeling so hurt and because any communication would probably have been a total fail.

But I’m an idiot and, apparently, have no self control. Three good friends recommended I just leave it – that I not even try to wrap things up with him. And I held off for at least 48 hours, but I just couldn’t do it. I can’t just leave this dangling – a gigantic black hole of silence and loose ends. So I texted him to find out if the conversation is concluded and hopefully I’ll hear something. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable, I’m just scared that he’s going to completely blow me off and say that I’m just being a dumbass.

The best I could do was to keep it rather light. I’m not very proud of myself for doing it, but I just can’t let it sit there, unresolved. The upside is that I think I’m through most of the hurt feelings and I really do want to just wrap it up. And I’m almost 100% sure that the whole casual thing is off the table. But I don’t make the best decisions when it comes to him, so we’ll see if I can keep myself together.

Free floating

I feel like I’m in a holding pattern – in limbo and waiting for something to happen. I’m reading the book Free Play and something interesting is happening. I’m reading very slowly – rereading sentences over and over again so I can deeply understand them. There is something important in this book for me – something profoundly provocative. It feels like the missing piece – the piece I’ve been searching for, without knowing I was searching.

The idea of improvisation as a creative form for ANY endeavor; a way for me to be even more authentically myself is so powerful it is almost irresistible. I long, so much, to be able to flow freely through my life – to allow life to flow in and around and through me. I long to perceive the joy in everything, to be fluid and appreciative and loving.

According to the book, even this current period of rootlessness, of difficulty and heartache and sadness and “hard” is part of the creative process. I feel like I’ve struggled so hard to maintain my hold on creativity, spirituality, and grounding, but that may I’ve lost them. It feels like they slip in and out of my grasp. Sometimes I feel one more strongly than the other, sometimes two, but I can’t remember the last time I consciously felt a solid balance of all three.

There are so many pieces of my life I long to explore, but I feel like I’m just floating – touching each one only lightly, not long enough to truly engage with any of them. I feel like I’m tapped into an endless well of creativity, but my ability to manifest my ideas is limited. Limited by my humanity, I suppose, or by my inability to truly understand and allow creation to flow through me.

At least the depression is largely gone, and the constant feeling of hopelessness. I feel more emotionally solid, although not necessarily more focused. So…I’m practicing waiting. Waiting to see what’s going to happen. I don’t yet know the line between waiting and passivity, but I’m hoping it will become clear.