Posted by: moedee on: October 24, 2009
That’s how I feel about my life right now – as if I’m just a mildly curious observer. Well, sort of. The part of me that is present feels like things are just happening without any conscious direction and she’s only making a half-hearted attempt to keep up. It’s like I don’t really care what happens, as long as it’s nothing too catastrophic.
This is totally unlike me – what the fuck is up?
I can’t muster the motivation to continue writing my book or start working on the business plan I talked over with my SBDC counselor. She loaned me an excellent workbook to help me get started and I haven’t even cracked it open. Well, that’s not entirely true. I did copy all the information from the CD to my laptop. And that’s it.
I feel like I just don’t care about anything. Again, not entirely true. I care about working, but only to the extent that I want to get a paycheck. Other than that, it doesn’t matter anymore either. Things aren’t bad, or exceptionally stressful, I just couldn’t give a rat’s ass.
I feel numb.
Perhaps I finally just got to the point that I had to separate myself a little or just collapse. The past year was so difficult and stressful, maybe I’m interpreting the absence of that stress as detachment. Or maybe I’m just giving myself time to NOT be worried about things. Maybe it’s emotional and mental exhaustion that has quite been un-exhausted yet. I don’t consciously feel that bad off, but who knows?
Honestly, I don’t even care about what I’m writing about.
Posted by: moedee on: October 18, 2009
I’ve spent my whole day distracting myself from writing. I have a great book started, I can feel it hanging around in my head, waiting patiently to get out, but I can’t seem to sit down & type. Is this normal?
Posted by: moedee on: October 18, 2009
This morning, I had an epiphany about the phrase “I want.” I realized that, until that moment, I was almost unable to use that phrase in any sort of meaningful way. I just couldn’t admit that I wanted anything. I started a post a few weeks ago when I first came across the enneagram and discovered my tritype is 8 (gut), 4 (heart), and 5 (head). I think tritypes are new and may not be widely accepted but it works for me. I was very familiar with the 8 characteristics but the 5 stuff blew me away.
The 5 type resonates really, really strongly and the description, themes, and practices for growth were dead on. It was both scary and exhilarating to read something that targeted my tendencies and patterns so accurately. It’s like I had some limited awareness of the behaviors but nothing to connect them or help me understand them. The analogy of seeing something through a foggy glass comes to mind – I could catch a glimpse of movement once in a while but the whole picture was fuzzy and indistinct. Reading the enneagram cleared away the fog. Here’s what I found out about my 5 type from Explore the Enneagram:
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You lost sight of the universal principle that there is an ample supply of all the knowledge and energy that everyone needs, and came to believe instead that the world demands too much from people or gives them too little. You learned to protect yourself from intrusion and insufficient resources by becoming private and self-sufficient. You limit your desires and wants, and acquire knowledge.
As a consequence Observers retracted into the mind, detached from feelings and emotional claims, and conserved their energy by reducing needs and pursuing self-sufficiency. They didn’t realize that this can lead to a lonely and even impoverished life. Fives believe that if you don’t want, you won’t lack. If you can get along with little, you won’t be vulnerable or dependent.
Six healing and growth commitments for Type Fives:
* Recognize and release the avarice for time, space, energy and knowledge
* Make the counter-instinctive move forward into life and feelings
* Stay present, engaged with others
* Share or give more of yourself while taking in more support from others
* Recognize there are ample resources, and practice abundance
* Realize that the flow of universal energy to meet life’s real needs
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Oddly enough, I just retook the test, in two different formats, and came up with some different results on the tritype. My main type is definitely 8, no doubts there. But my secondary type in one test came up as 4 (first time that’s popped up) and my third type showed up as 7 (not a surprise, that’s my dominant wing). The 5 showed up behind the 7, a distant third to the 4. And when I read the description for 4, it also resonated deeply. This could all be very confusing and lead me down the path of “I need to understand it all and find out more” but I’m going to resist.
Everyone has at least some of all these aspects present in their personalities. Although we probably all have a main type, our other types probably shift a little, depending on where we are in our lives. Interestingly enough, the first time I looked at the tritype, I thought my heart center was a 1, but 1 isn’t a heart type, it’s a gut type. But 4 is a heart type, and that means all three of my tritypes feel accurate (8,5,4). I’m rambling a bit but the ramble is helping me clear out all the stuff I’ve been thinking. Well, not all of it but some. It’s still kind of cluttered in the enneagram closet in my brain but it’ll organize itself at some point.
Posted by: moedee on: October 5, 2009
I just had a conversation with a co-worker that emphasized how different my mindset is than some of the folks I work with. Becoming a state employee after over two decades of experience in the private sector is a big adjustment. This small incident was, I think, indicative of two major differences:
1. Reluctance to change mindsets to adapt to “new” technology
2. Disconnect from today’s more quick-moving business world
What happened was that I met someone at a business fair and she had some questions about jobseeker services. I gave her my card, told her to contact me if she wanted some assistance. She emailed me with questions so I referred her, via another email, to a colleague of mine. I did this the normal way – I wrote a new email to her and cc’d my colleague, introducing them and telling her he would work with her.
My colleague stopped by my desk and asked me what he was supposed to do. He kept saying he didn’t have any of her contact information, even though I kept telling him he had her email address. Then he started asking about her phone number – which wasn’t on her original email and I didn’t have (or want to go find). We went around and around for a few minutes because I didn’t understand what the confusion was over. Finally, he told me he didn’t usually get emails like that – normally he just gets people’s phone numbers and he calls them. Obviously, email isn’t his preferred method of contact.
Tough shit buddy, get with the program. Email is the medium of choice for many many people these days, myself included. And, honestly, he’s a talker – even more than me and that’s saying something! He does know a lot, though, and I’m sure people appreciate that. But I just could not understand the problem with simply emailing her back and starting the conversation.
And then he started to get a patronizing – saying “it’s not a big deal”, etc. Crickets on bicycles!!!!
Posted by: moedee on: September 20, 2009
Well, something finally happened. I had a couple of moments of acting like a sullen teenager that prompted A to have “the talk” with me. He handled it far, far better than most people I know would have handled it and even though I was mortified, I was glad it finally happened. What I’ve since realized is that a chunk of my sullenness was coming not from feeling rejected but from feeling frustrated that I felt like I couldn’t talk to him about my feelings. I’d held off for so long, waiting for this and that to clear up and I was *really* feeling stymied.
Given the circumstances, I couldn’t think of a single way to approach the topic that wouldn’t end in something bad happening. There didn’t seem to be any route into and out of it that I could navigate with any degree of success. So I created a situation where he brought it up. All it cost me was my dignity and several hours of feeling completely mortified by my behavior! Oddly enough, I was completely unprepared to talk to him (given the circumstances), so I mainly sat there like a lump, probably with a dumbstruck look on my face, trying not to be completely hysterical. argh!
I woke up still feeling like an idiot but have since managed to get myself together. I’m really lucky that he is the person he is and that he was sensitive enough to not only address it but to do it kindly and with care. So I’m going to talk with him again this evening not only to acknowledge his sensitivity but to address the issue itself with more than just a dumbfounded look. There will be no dating, which is fine, given my ambivalence, but my hope is that we will be better friends and I will be able to relax and be more myself with him. This also made me realize that some (not all) of my unhappiness with Tex’ behavior was a result of my personal frustration at feeling like I couldn’t talk to him.
Honestly, there is a big part of me that still wants to yap about her behavior and its implications, but I need to let that go. She interacts with men very differently than I do and I have to figure out how to deal with that. Regardless of what I think about why she interacts the way she does, it’s not my job to dissect that. And I have to admit that part of my discomfort (i.e. jealousy) around it is that I wish I were a little more like that – more cute and bubbly and flirty. This is the work and sometimes it just sucks. It’s nothing but a downward spiral – I don’t think I’m good enough as I am, then I get mad at myself for being so judgmental, which prompts more judgment – and so on and so on and so on.
Why is this so hard? And why do I feel like it never gets any easier?
Posted by: moedee on: September 15, 2009
because you’ll most likely get it. And I don’t mean the idealized, romantic version of what you THINK you want. You’ll get what you’re asking for, whether you are entirely aware of exactly what that is, or not. So now that I have what I asked for – I’m trying to figure out what it is! I asked for a romantic relationship and what I got was someone who seems such a good fit in so many ways, setting aside the age difference. But it would be a major risk for me to express interest, he certainly hasn’t expressed interest in anything other than friendship (that I can tell), and the timing seems to be really bad for him.
Of course, I can’t know any of these things for certain without actually talking to him about it. I’ve gone around and around about this and only succeeded in making myself dizzy. The one thing I do know is that I’m scared right down to my toenails to do anything other than be a friend. Friends are good, but I want more. It doesn’t have to be with him, but I definitely want more. What impact does me making an actual decision about wanting more have? Can I feel justified in moving on and not approaching him – because he probably doesn’t?
The question my dizzy brain is asking now is “what next?” It’s asking this because this situation feels sticky and unresolved and it would be so much easier (ha ha) to turn our attention to someone new. Well, we think it would be anyway. Chances are, we’d run into something with similar elements, which we’d have to resolve or run away from again. I’ve been somewhat successful in keeping myself from spiraling into hopelessness, partly by declaring a holiday from courage and embracing my cowardice. Declaring that I’m too scared, that this is too big a step for me, has helped me relax a little, but I’m not sure I can stick with that.
Hmmm…I just had a thought that I’ve had before, relating to the “doesn’t have to be with him comment.” Maybe part of the problem is that I’m too terrified to even admit, out loud, that I’d like to try this with him – specifically with him. Marketing gurus always say to define your audience, but I’ve been reluctant, nay totally resistant to really admit, in my heart, that it’s him. Because what if I say that and mean it and he doesn’t want to be with me? That would super suck. If I got my hopes up and then they were crushed, again.
ARGH!!! I’m making myself crazy!!!!!
Posted by: moedee on: September 13, 2009
I’ve thought a lot about the “Girlfriend Rule” lately. You know, the one that says girls stay away from men or women their GFs are interested in? It sounds like a pretty cool rule, right? I thought so too, and thought about calling a friend of mine on breaking it, but then I started really reflecting on what it means. Beyond its shiny surface, it’s a totally dysfunctional rule. It enables us to stay in our emotional insecurities and sets undefined expectations of behavior that we can later use to further strengthen our insecurities AND disengage from people who push those buttons.
I talked to two separate women friends about my current situation and BOTH said that my other friend was breaking the GF rule and that I should talk to her. I wasn’t comfortable with that, mainly because I love the fact that my third friend is so loving and affectionate, with me and others. It made me feel bad every time I thought about asking her to tone it down in certain situations. When I thought about why I would ask this, I realized it was based not on egregious behavior on her part, but on my insecurity around her. Ugh.
And then I remembered a conversation I’d had with my friend Matthew, a couple of months ago. He had a situation where he was friends with someone (Person #B) who made his significant other (Person #A) jealous and uncomfortable. His take on it was that he could have simply disengaged from Person #B, possibly solving the immediate problem. But the bigger issue, that would not have been addressed, was whatever emotional issue was coming up for Person #A. Not to mention that disengaging from this Person #B in no way guaranteed that another Person #B wouldn’t come along, thus bringing the issue to the ugly surface again, at a later date. So he made the decision to stay in the conflict and try to work it through.
I’m not saying he is an angel and had totally pure motives. It’s possible he was incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. Maybe he just wanted to have his cake and eat it too (whatever that means). Maybe he was a bastard. But his point is well-taken. Asking my friend to change her behavior doesn’t require that I address my emotionality – it simply allows me to avoid it a little longer. The real issue is my insecurity around her – and that won’t change unless I heal whatever wounds are there. Even if she did change her behavior, and even if the object of my attention became the object of my affection, my issue remains, waiting to raise its tentacles at some later date.
So as much as I might like to ask her to cease and desist, I won’t. If he wants to be with me, he’ll want that, no matter who does what around him.
Posted by: moedee on: August 21, 2009
Going out of town with some friends to hit the dance scene elsewhere. And my crush is going with us. And we’re driving together, tonight, alone, for several hours. I just scheduled a session with my intuitive but it’s not till Monday.
What the H*CK am I supposed to do about three hours of alone time?? Is it at all possible I can get through this without just blech-ing all over him about my feelings? I hope so, I’m not ready to share them yet. I’m fairly sure I’m still in “just get rejected already” mode and that’s not how I want to present myself. Beyond that, I want these next few weeks to be fun for both of us – something that might not be possible if I’m unable to save myself from terminal Running Mouth disease.
Universe, help me! I’m not exactly sure what to ask for other than to just enjoy three hours of hang time where I can be present and not so anxious.
Posted by: moedee on: August 18, 2009
So although I’ve been much less hysterical about this crush and felt much more stable, I’m definitely having a day of uncertainty. This seems to happen mainly (big surprise) when I go a couple of days without seeing him. And, of course, since we’re only friends (and not particularly close), there’s no reason for us to talk or anything.
This leads to me thinking about how much easier it would be just to move on – to find someone who seems more suitable and obviously interested. Why can’t I find someone who makes it easier by making it obvious that they’re interested? Is this situation another one I’ve created by being so uncertain myself? Is he just waiting for me to decide one way or the other? If I made a decision, would the path become clear? Maybe he would just fall away if I decided one way or the other.
Or maybe we would spring together and create something wonderful and joyous together. I know this doesn’t depend entirely on me, I just want to know what I should do. Should I cut and run or should I let him know?
Posted by: moedee on: August 14, 2009
I am having more moments of mental and emotional stability with regard to the youngling. And that makes me happy, especially given my history of fear and hysteria around men. The Omnium prayer for mental and emotional well-being and health has been an incredibly helpful tool. So I’m feeling more balanced and stable all the way around, not just emotionally.
Last night, we were out at the same venue. We decided to leave about the same time and were chatting on the way out. He asked me to hang out for a bit, the first time he’s asked to spend time with me. Of course, I said yes, even though it was very late. We just sat and talked for an hour or so. It was nothing major but I just enjoyed spending time with him, getting to know him a bit better.
I’m not sure anything will come of this, beyond making a good friend and some really great personality chemistry. But I think I might finally be able to enjoy this process – getting to know him, as a person. And that makes me feel really really good.
