A hot mess (the first in an ongoing series)
Posted by: moedee on: July 13, 2009
This will probably not be the first post with this title, given my emotional state over the past year and a half. Honestly, there are times when I feel so limited as a human being that it’s a wonder I can function at all. I had a wonderful conversation with a good friend, a young man with one of the oldest souls I’ve yet encountered. He’s almost unreal, he’s got so much wisdom for someone in such a young body. And that he can access this wisdom and share it is just more cause for appreciation. Anyway, we had the opportunity to spend some time together recently and talked a lot about spiritual growth & such. Here are the main things I took away:
- The idea of spiritual arrogance
- Using defensive thoughts and feelings to delve into the parts I don’t want to examine
- Life is a game, played by divine beings whose idea of fun is to handicap themselves as much as possible and see what happens
The first, spiritual arrogance, is a hard pill to swallow. But swallow it I must because it’s true. I do have feelings of superiority over people I perceive as being less spiritually evolved than I am. There are so many things wrong with that that I just don’t want to go into all of them. Let’s just assume that I get all the ways those thoughts are inappropriate, unfair, mean, and unkind. The question is, how to shift to more appreciation for where and who people are and not focus on where and who they aren’t? It really sucks to admit that I define myself, in any way, by what I perceive as the lack in others. But it also doesn’t help to slap myself around about it either. What helps is working on it, catching those thoughts and feelings as they arise and moving to step two.
Defensiveness (which is probably the root of the spiritual arrogance somehow) means something is going on. Arrogance and defensiveness play together a lot, they’re very very close friends. So if arrogance is showing up, chances are that defensiveness is lurking somewhere close by. So what am I using arrogance and defensiveness to protect? Why are they showing up? What weakness am I shoring up with defensiveness and arrogance? My friend suggested I have a conversation with my defensive feelings and ask them exactly those questions. Why are they showing up? What need isn’t being met? Where am I feeling weak?
Last, this idea of everything I’m experiencing as just a game. This is adding another level of subtlety to something I’m already familiar with. For some reason, the way my friend explained it, I felt it more deeply than I have before. And it brings up things I’ve struggled with before – the idea that if this is only a game, then nothing we do really matters. I don’t remember being that divine being who decided to play and limit itself as me. And the word “me”, which doesn’t mean anything at all. So I’m feeling existentially conflicted, which is never fun. And the fact that I’m wound up about it pokes a big hole in my spiritual arrogance, right? Cause if I were so spiritually evolved, I would just accept things with calmness and joy, not allowing my ego to drag me into these confusing dilemmas.
It’s almost like a spiritual comedy routine, with me as the setup, delivery, and punch line, all at the same time. [sigh]
My love life
Posted by: moedee on: July 6, 2009
is nonexistent. The best I can drum up is a very weak crush on a guy over a decade younger than me. Not that he isn’t crushable, cool, or whatever, but COME ON!!!! And now I sound like every other woman (ever) who cannot, for the life of her, understand why she’s single, especially as her friends constantly assure her of her amazing eligibility.
So if I’m so fucking eligible, why is it that my women friends (mostly those with partners or dates or FWBs) seem to be the only ones aware of it? What the hell is going on that I can’t even get a DATE? I’m not asking for marriage, long-term partner, or even a mid-term boyfriend. I just want a date. I can’t even get a date via the Internet. Hell, I can’t even get those desperate guys on online dating sites to return an email.
Yes, my life is wonderful and I’m enjoying myself even without a partner. But it would be so nice to have someone to share it with. Come ON universe – I’ve done my part. Should I put some effort into the youngling? He is quite cute 
For those who didn’t realize
Posted by: moedee on: July 3, 2009
religion is a big deal. At least, it’s a big deal to lots of people, my parents included. As I mentioned in a previous post, my father’s passing has led to a great deal of personal reflection and re-evaluation. Part of this thought was about when and why he and I parted ways. I didn’t really get it until a conversation I had with my mom a week ago this past Tuesday.
She came out for several days after dad died. We had planned this several months ago and decided to just go ahead, regardless of the circumstances. She came out on the Wednesday after I got home and stayed until the following Monday evening. She and I spoke on Tuesday, after she got home, and that’s when things got a little freaky. She said that she felt that I was condescending whenever she prayed when she was out here. I made some bland comment about not being condescending but that I respected her faith, etc. She then asked “When did you stop believing God?” My prompt reply was “I never said I didn’t believe in God, I just don’t believe in Christianity.”
Now, I should note that she and I have had some version of this conversation several times since I left the christian church almost a decade ago. Upon reflection, my decision to leave christianity was, most likely, the cause of the rift between my dad and myself. It was the first time I’d made a decision that couldn’t understand, didn’t agree with, and seriously opposed. I didn’t realize that was what was going on – it took me until last week to realize that that was what happened. The combination of me making an adult decision he couldn’t influence and (as he saw it) choosing to burn in hell for eternity, just fucked him up. But my mom had always acted like she respected my decision, regardless of her personal opinion.
Unfortunately, the key word in that sentence is “acted”. jneal gave the perfect example. It’s like when a child comes out to their parents and the parents think it’s a phase. They go along with it, until they realize the child is serious and their [insert belief/trait/preference] isn’t a phase – it’s a genuine part of who they are and they can’t or won’t change it. My mom finally realized that I really left the church – I wasn’t just fooling around or lapsed. I’m gone for good.
The realization seemed to hit her like a bucket of cold water. She withdrew from me immediately, it felt like she completely disengaged from the conversation and started fumbling around for words. When I asked her what was wrong, she started mumbling about how much she loved me. I told her that I probably knew what she was thinking and reassured her that I’m not going to hell. Ha! I’m sure she didn’t even hear what I said. I’m guessing it’s a religion thing, not just christian, but they’re so convinced that they’re right that she, most likely, is already hearing me screaming in perpetual agony in the everlasting lake of fire.
Because that’s what her “god of love” does to people like me – people who don’t believe in his awesomeness and majesty – he burns them forever and ever and lets satan torture them for eternity. Seems awfully harsh to me but, when you’re a christian, it seems perfectly appropriate for not begging forgiveness for your disgusting sinfulness. Okay, I need to take a deep breath and leave that alone for a bit. This is why I don’t talk about my choices around religion. My bitterness and rage at the christian church is pretty deep and it even scares me sometimes. So I keep it very surface and let other people do most of the talking. I’ll even play devil’s advocate (there has to be some irony there somewhere) sometimes, and argue in favor of religious belief & freedom.
Religious belief & freedom for the people who have, in their minds, condemned me to an eternity in a burning lake of fire because I don’t believe the way they do. How could anyone who really loves anyone stay committed to a belief system that condemns a loved one to infinite, everlasting agony? How could they believe in such a punitive, unforgiving, and hateful god? And then turn around and believe the “god of unconditional love” hypocrisy? Do they not know the definition of “unconditional”? Do they not understand the definition of love? How can people be so stupid?
A Fresh Start
Posted by: moedee on: July 3, 2009
I just switched my site hosting to a new provider and, apparently, lost all the blog data I posted since I moved my blog to my personal website. So I’m just going to lose those few months and start over. This last year has been quite eventful, stressful, and any other -ful you’d like to add. This time last year, I was on summer break from school and contemplating handing in my notice when we went back in August. And I did. And the week after I left (mid-Sept), the economy tanked. All the potential work I had lined up went away and I was asked not to come back to what I thought was a really easy temp gig.
It’s still too close to make sense of but I decided to move ahead with building my own business, was able to find part-time work, and started to consider myself as self-employed, even though my business wasn’t bringing in any money. My part-time ended but I found other part-time work, so had some money coming. But I was really just living off a happy accident of credit card money, I was completely financially unprepared for such a reduction in income – completely. So I started acting as if I had a successful business, doing all the networking and day-to-day activities that I thought a business owner would do. And it sort of worked, except for the no money part!
So why am I now writing a post with the title “A Fresh Start”? Well, my father passed away a few weeks ago and, as death usually does, it ended up prompting some evaluation of circumstances. I felt so relieved to have an excuse to step away from my business! And I read “The Dip” by Seth Godin. He talks about the difference between sticking out a hard time and deciding to walk away because something just isn’t working. So I decided – my business, in its current incarnation and at this time, just isn’t working. People don’t want to buy what I’m trying to sell. No matter how convinced I am that what I have to offer is worth buying, it doesn’t matter if no one is willing to pay.
The decision happened quickly and felt good. It was helped by the fact that there have been a couple of job postings that I’ve been able to apply for and that my mom helped me financially. I’m going to follow through on a couple of projects I started but I’m not going to look for anything new or start anything else. In addition to finding paid employment, I’m going to take some time and rethink what I’m trying to do. Honestly, it’s bigger than just the business – it’s also about what I want my life to be and how I want to live.
Temporary loser
Posted by: moedee on: September 22, 2008
That’s what I feel like. I mean, who can’t hold down a stupid, copy/paste temp job? Apparently, me. Of course, it’s hard to meet expectations if you haven’t been told what the expectations are. And it’s also hard to do things right when you do them exactly as you’re told and then are let go because, apparently, they were wrong. Oh, and let’s not forget my chattiness.
[sigh]
Lesson learned: These types of production-oriented jobs are not for me. Nor am I for them. Even though I’ll probably never know what criteria they used to decide my work wasn’t good enough, it really isn’t that important. I didn’t enjoy the job anyway and it’s possible they got rid of me because I fiddled around on email and streaming audio sites too much. I could go on and on trying to justify/explain this and that but it would be a pretty useless expense of energy. It won’t make me feel better and it won’t get the job back.
Honestly, I’m not that upset, although I’m curious about what will become my next income-generating opportunity.
Contagious diseases and zombies
Posted by: moedee on: July 1, 2008
Lately I’ve encountered a lot of confusion and bewilderment within myself. “And what” you may ask “is the source of said confusion and bewilderment?” It’s my ongoing inability to create a relationship with a man. Well, I think that’s it. It may just be that I’m so unsure of what I want that I don’t even know what’s confusing me.
In any case, it seems that any man who might be remotely interested me has a specified number of interactions and then bolts as if I had a contagious disease. Like leprosy. Or something else really icky and really catching. And I’m at a complete loss as to why. I mean – even if I’m not sterling relationship material, you’d think they’d at least want to try and get me in bed, right? I’m attractive enough for that, or so I’ve been told.
But no. I feel weird even writing this because I’m not even sure I’m upset about it, although I’m guessing I am but am just not willing to admit it. I’ve also been told that men find me intimidating. Why? I’m friendly, I smile a lot, and I’m pretty. And I’ll talk to anyone who talks to me. What is it about me? Is there a bad smell that I’m unaware of? Is it like the chocolate shell on a DQ cone – once the chocolate is gone (and it’s gone pretty fast), I’m no longer interesting – in fact, I’m downright repulsive?
I’m going to do some (more) work around this later this week. I’ve done a lot already and have removed some barriers that I didn’t have any control over. Now, I think I probably have to do some deeper work on the barriers I do control. One thing I should mention is that I have tried to imagine what it would be like to be in a genuinely loving and equal relationship and I can’t do it. Not even a little bit – can’t imagine how it would feel, what I would hear, or see or smell or anything. Nothing except a gray fog.
Maybe that’s why I’m attracting zombies.
My mom
Posted by: moedee on: June 17, 2008
is a superheroine! I’m so proud of her!! She told me today that she just started a new project – possibly the first time she’s ever done something like this, at least in a really long time. She’s been a mental health nurse for as long as I can remember and has worked with folks with severe disabilities for around 20 years or so. She told me today that she, along with a pharamcy rep she’s good friend with, have enlisted the aid of several non-profit agencies and the county board of elections to help educate her clients, register them to vote, and help them vote!!!!
WOW! Never would I ever have thought my mom would get involved as such a changemaker. You have to understand – my mom came up really poor, finished high school and went to nursing school. She was going to join the army but got pregnant and couldn’t (they didn’t take unwed mothers back then). She met Larry, got married, and spent the next 30 years raising kids. My parents’ marriage also spiraled downward until she moved out a couple of years ago. She’s not divorcing Larry, but she does have her own space and is starting to have some fun having her own life.
So for her to do something like this is so fabulous and so enormous that I don’t have any really good words to share it other than – yipppeeee! My mom is a changemaker!
Guess what??
Posted by: moedee on: June 5, 2008
It’s a happy post!!! I just got off the phone with my coaching teacher and what a conversation it was! First, I coached her for 30 minutes and she gave me excellent, excellent feedback. She liked everything I did and recommended a different approach on only two items. That made me feel really good – especially since this was my first ever phone coaching session.
After that, we started talking a bit and she asked me how things were going. I started talking about my business ideas and how I’d been evolving what I want to do and was feeling so good and passionate about my goals and vision. Turns out that she’s been wanting to bring someone into the coaching training program to address EXACTLY the issue I want to coach people around. I want to work with entrepreneurs on presenting themselves and some business visioning and clarifying. It sounds goofy cause I’m not taking time to explain it here but it fits exactly one of the niches she was looking to fill.
And she *loved* my other idea around coaching and business and is excited about the prospect. So we’re meeting in a few weeks to have a business brainstorming session and figure out what we can do together. I can’t think of a better way to start my business life than working with this institute!
Speaking up
Posted by: moedee on: June 4, 2008
So I’ve had a few occasions lately where either speaking up or doing something has caused a ruckus. The three interactions I most clearly remember have all been with men. In all three cases, I refused to let some bullshit go and, in two cases, I got a pretty major overreaction. In the third case, the guy was a little rude but it didn’t blow up to anything major.
In all three cases, I had a moment of clarity – that time when I felt I was absolutely in my circle of truth and that what I was doing was in the highest good. Now, though, I just wonder if I’m an abrasive, oversensitive, unpleasant person to be around. Like I’m someone who is so hypervigilant about making sure that every little gaff is addressed that they don’t realize what a jerk they are. Am I a rude, obnoxious bitch? What does that even mean anyway?
It’s hard for me to hold my truth when people get so incredibly upset and have such big reactions to what I’ve said. It’s confusing and distressing, especially because it often seems that they aren’t even talking about what actually happened but about either what they thought happened or something else entirely. Most of all, it really bothers me that their experience of me (in their minds) was so awful. I can’t control that but I do wonder what they would say to others and whether those others would believe them.
If the experience actually is bad, then okay. But if it’s bad because they’ve got unaddressed issues and it isn’t really about me, then that sucks.
So here’s a thing
Posted by: moedee on: May 15, 2008
I still haven’t gotten my dvd back. The way he acted, I would have thought he’d want that thing outta his house faster than a someone could fall off a greased pole. Well, it’s a week later and no dvd. I emailed him today, he said he’d drop it off tonight, and no dvd (yet). I just want it done and the dvd is the last little dangling participle.
I had one other bad breakup (other than Carl) and he blew out faster than a candle in a hurricane. Of course, he did end up calling me several weeks later (at 4:00 in the morning) to ask if he could come over, but there was no lingering anything. I thought it was weird that he wouldn’t just mail it to me. We don’t live too close to each other and I imagine it’s out of his way to come over here. However, I’m going to assume that this means nothing except that he’s being a jackass about giving back my movie.
