Okay, it’s 8:20 a.m. and I’m already asking if the day is over. Okay, I’ve been asking that question since Monday morning so it’s been a long week. I’m exhausted – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. These last two weeks have been good, but have felt incredibly demanding. No, back that up. I’ve felt like I’m just hanging on since we got back from summer vaca. Taking two long trips during my ‘rest’ time was a bad idea. I got very little rest and was full speed ahead when school started again.

And what’s happened since the summer? I transferred to a new dept and started teaching fulltime. I spent at least three months in icky conflict with my then-current boss. I was trying to help train two new employees (with little support from my ex-boss in some areas). My mom shipped all my remaining stuff from my brother’s house so I spent probably four weeks preparing for it and then unpacking and integrating it. I also did another dance performance class, in addition to riding occasionally and dancing once a week. And all the other life stuff that comes along – trying to work through my stuff, progress on my personal path, etc.

I think the biggest change was going to teaching fulltime. November was a really intense and somewhat overwhelming month. And now I’m working like crazy to re-vision JRT, without having to redesign the wheel. It feels like it’s been very hectic but the classroom time is pretty good. So the planning and visioning is taking a lot of time but the students don’t seem to be suffering for it. I had also thought by now that I’d have all my voc ed curriculum done and I’d be able to relax. Not so. Going to the theme system means I basically had to add two additional modules and design a second set of curriculum for one theme. Oh, and we’ve had two crops of new students and I was much more involved in their initial programming than I was previously.

And then I met tb – late October. So the last six/eight weeks have been busy also with trying to see him and having all kinds of emotional issues crop up (re: my various other meltdown posts). And feeling very uncertain about what this is, where it’s going, and if I really want to put much effort into it. Not to mention how uncomfortable it feels to be so uncertain. I guess I had expected that the first “real” person I connected with (i.e. “guy who was interested and not a dweeb”) would be someone I’d just want to be with forever. So it’s a shock to realize that I’m fairly certain I don’t want to be with him long term. But I don’t want to bail right now