I’ve ever thought about breaking up with someone, even though the relationship is reasonably healthy. There are things I like about my relationship with T, mainly that he really likes me and does all kinds of nice things. And he’s a good guy and I like him too. But I’m just not feeling it any more. Believe me, I’ve analyzed and dissected for hours, trying to figure out exactly what it is that I’m not feeling but I can’t pinpoint it. When I start breaking it down into details, it seems trivial – like I could probably ask him to do this or that, change x or y, and things would be fixed.

But I know that’s not the case. The closest I can come to a reason is that, fundamentally, we live our lives from very different places. I enjoy new things, change, risk (at least a little bit!), and the unknown. I’m also a flexible and fluid and adaptable. And my feeling is that he isn’t. Maybe in some ways, but not overall. And that just isn’t working for me anymore. The best times with him were spent at his apartment, in a totally controlled environment, with no reality intruding. And that’s fun for a while, but not long term. It seems that whenever we go out or he comes to my place (where it’s not his environment) or reality somehow intrudes, things just jar and clash.

And spontenaity is pretty much out of the question. Given our differing schedules and his inability to do anything without incredible preparation and bring-alongs, we could never do anything on the spur of the moment. Hell, after five minutes of discussion, I didn’t even want to take a beach trip with him! He won’t even take pictures unless they’re posed – no reality shots here. And oh my god – the incredible complexity of how he does his creative stuff is unbelievable! I’ve been dating him for almost three months and I still have no idea what he’s actually put together over the last seven years!!! It’s no wonder it’s taking him so long – if one little bit of spacing is off in a document he has a hissy!!! Talk about building your own barriers. It must be exhausting to feel like you have to live your life in such a rigidly controlled fashion.

Okay – so we had the talk. And we didn’t exactly break up – I think we just agreed to stick strictly to the very shallow waters of movies and sex. Honestly, I’m not sure that’s even going to work but he’s sweet enough that I’m willing to at least give it a try for a bit. The good thing is that now I feel free to create something different – something that has all the wonderful elements T brings (consideration, thoughtfulness, and attention), along with a more relaxed and comfortable physical aspect, a deeper emotional connection, flexibility, and risk-taking. This is going to be fun…