not the same as depression but not feeling too positive either. i feel like i’m compressed – like one of those spongy-foam mattresses that isn’t very spongy anymore cause it’s been pressed down a lot. i feel heavy, slow, tight, and dense. and those are not signs of an expanding, high-vibrational energy field. worst of all, i’m not certain what i can do about it.

i felt really good after my two week winter break. i danced a LOT, hung out with my buddies, knitted, and generally relaxed. i feel like i can’t relax these days. my weekends are largely spent recovering from the week, not refreshing and rejuvenating myself. i’m not entirely sure what the difference is but i know there is one. there are few moments of fun in my life – even dancing is starting to seem like too much effort. i’ve only gone out once in the last three weekends. and my body is feeling it – i’m tight and i don’t feel quite right – like i’m pulling in on myself.

i’m not exactly scared, but i’m definitely concerned. the concern stems largely from me not really knowing what to do about it. i could probably take a vacation, a week or so, but that seems like a short-term solution. and i don’t want short-term. i feel like a lot of this is about work – that the constant working at 150% for the last year and a half is finally catching up to me. this has been a good job and has certainly helped me develop both personally and professionally. working with students helped me figure out about being a coach and how much i love helping people figure out who they are and what they can do.

and i’m guessing that i’ve pushed myself harder than anyone else would ever have pushed me. so i can’t point a finger and say it’s anyone’s fault – it was just what was needed and i was capable of doing it. in the past, i think i would have gone to a really icky place of “no matter what i do, it’s never enough” and been really upset about the situation. now, i can clearly see that it’s no one’s fault, it’s just too much work. i’ve done more than probably any other person could and there’s still more that could be done. it’s the nature of the work, nothing to do with my capability.

and it’s too much. that’s one reason i’m going into this coach training program – i don’t want to keep doing this. and things are getting ready to change in a big way at work and i have no idea how it’s going to impact me. hopefully, it will make things smoother for me as i get my new career ramped up. and i’ll also bring quite a bit of value back to my job as the training progresses.

so yay to all that but the problem still remains – how do i nourish and replenish myself while i’m still there? hell – how do i continue to do it for the rest of my life? honestly, despite what i wrote a few lines earlier, feeling like this scares me. it reminds me of what my life used to be like – heavy, contracted, condensed, and compressed. like a brick. i haven’t felt like this in a long time and it’s icky. i come home in the evenings and i don’t want to do anything – even take a walk or knit for a few minutes. i just want to sit on the couch. even the weekends are spent doing nothing that really excites me or that i’m passionate about.

i feel lonely, even though i see my friends fairly often. i feel disconnected from joy and happiness and passion and love. my vibration is low, which means i am possibly creating low-vibration experiences for myself. not what i want. it’s true, i don’t live my life from this perspective and it’s probably not going to last long, but i’m scared of what i could attract into my life. i’m also scared i’m going to put on a bunch of extra mass, although that hasn’t happened so it possibly won’t. even with all the tools i have to help me manage times like this, i feel defenseless and weak.

to hop onto the tangent train for a minute, this raises the question of how these kinds of episodes affect strong creators (like myself). being a strong creator, i know that things often happen quickly for me. they’re not always exactly what i expect or thought i was creating, but they do happen quickly. so what happens during times like these? times when i’m not my usual expansive, higher-vibrating, life-loving, joyful self? does my creative ability immediately start drawing these lower-vibration experiences, even though i don’t normally live my life from that perspective?

back to the original question – how do i help myself through this time of compression and find ways to decompress?