Now that I’ve made it though my issue-induced trauma, it’s time for the more important questions to show up. Do I really want to be with D? Is he someone I could be happy spending ‘real’ time with, not just play time? Do I want to focus my energy on creating something with him? Do I want him to be the only man (or playmate) in my life?

I suppose those are the questions people ask from the start of any relationship beyond something they know is fleeting. For me, this is one of the first times I’ve gotten to the point of asking them. Most of the time, I haven’t gotten beyond “does he like me?” or some variation thereof. This feels more real, less infatuated, and a little sobering. I’m kind of tired today so the joyous aspect – creating something new with a unique and special person – isn’t as obvious.

I worry a little that maybe I’ve said things that, ultimately, I don’t really mean. Well, not that I don’t mean them but not quite to the degree I felt when I said them. Again, with the push of infatuation and the “oh my god, he really does like me”, it feels like I might not have been as thoughtful as possible. Or maybe I have. Maybe it’s part of the ride, just going with the flow and saying what’s true in the moment and not spending much time considering the consequences.

I’m just grateful that I feel stable again – that I’ve found my feet and now get to walk forward with my eyes and heart open.