Lately I’ve encountered a lot of confusion and bewilderment within myself. “And what” you may ask “is the source of said confusion and bewilderment?” It’s my ongoing inability to create a relationship with a man. Well, I think that’s it. It may just be that I’m so unsure of what I want that I don’t even know what’s confusing me.

In any case, it seems that any man who might be remotely interested me has a specified number of interactions and then bolts as if I had a contagious disease. Like leprosy. Or something else really icky and really catching. And I’m at a complete loss as to why. I mean – even if I’m not sterling relationship material, you’d think they’d at least want to try and get me in bed, right? I’m attractive enough for that, or so I’ve been told.

But no. I feel weird even writing this because I’m not even sure I’m upset about it, although I’m guessing I am but am just not willing to admit it. I’ve also been told that men find me intimidating. Why? I’m friendly, I smile a lot, and I’m pretty. And I’ll talk to anyone who talks to me. What is it about me? Is there a bad smell that I’m unaware of? Is it like the chocolate shell on a DQ cone – once the chocolate is gone (and it’s gone pretty fast), I’m no longer interesting – in fact, I’m downright repulsive?

I’m going to do some (more) work around this later this week. I’ve done a lot already and have removed some barriers that I didn’t have any control over. Now, I think I probably have to do some deeper work on the barriers I do control. One thing I should mention is that I have tried to imagine what it would be like to be in a genuinely loving and equal relationship and I can’t do it. Not even a little bit – can’t imagine how it would feel, what I would hear, or see or smell or anything. Nothing except a gray fog.

Maybe that’s why I’m attracting zombies.