I’ve thought a lot about the “Girlfriend Rule” lately. You know, the one that says girls stay away from men or women their GFs are interested in? It sounds like a pretty cool rule, right? I thought so too, and thought about calling a friend of mine on breaking it, but then I started really reflecting on what it means. Beyond its shiny surface, it’s a totally dysfunctional rule. It enables us to stay in our emotional insecurities and sets undefined expectations of behavior that we can later use to further strengthen our insecurities AND disengage from people who push those buttons.

I talked to two separate women friends about my current situation and BOTH said that my other friend was breaking the GF rule and that I should talk to her. I wasn’t comfortable with that, mainly because I love the fact that my third friend is so loving and affectionate, with me and others. It made me feel bad every time I thought about asking her to tone it down in certain situations. When I thought about why I would ask this, I realized it was based not on egregious behavior on her part, but on my insecurity around her. Ugh.

And then I remembered a conversation I’d had with my friend Matthew, a couple of months ago. He had a situation where he was friends with someone (Person #B) who made his significant other (Person #A) jealous and uncomfortable. His take on it was that he could have simply disengaged from Person #B, possibly solving the immediate problem. But the bigger issue, that would not have been addressed, was whatever emotional issue was coming up for Person #A. Not to mention that disengaging from this Person #B in no way guaranteed that another Person #B wouldn’t come along, thus bringing the issue to the ugly surface again, at a later date. So he made the decision to stay in the conflict and try to work it through.

I’m not saying he is an angel and had totally pure motives. It’s possible he was incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. Maybe he just wanted to have his cake and eat it too (whatever that means). Maybe he was a bastard. But his point is well-taken. Asking my friend to change her behavior doesn’t require that I address my emotionality – it simply allows me to avoid it a little longer. The real issue is my insecurity around her – and that won’t change unless I heal whatever wounds are there. Even if she did change her behavior, and even if the object of my attention became the object of my affection, my issue remains, waiting to raise its tentacles at some later date.

So as much as I might like to ask her to cease and desist, I won’t. If he wants to be with me, he’ll want that, no matter who does what around him.