This morning, I had an epiphany about the phrase “I want.” I realized that, until that moment, I was almost unable to use that phrase in any sort of meaningful way. I just couldn’t admit that I wanted anything. I started a post a few weeks ago when I first came across the enneagram and discovered my tritype is 8 (gut), 4 (heart), and 5 (head). I think tritypes are new and may not be widely accepted but it works for me. I was very familiar with the 8 characteristics but the 5 stuff blew me away.

The 5 type resonates really, really strongly and the description, themes, and practices for growth were dead on. It was both scary and exhilarating to read something that targeted my tendencies and patterns so accurately. It’s like I had some limited awareness of the behaviors but nothing to connect them or help me understand them. The analogy of seeing something through a foggy glass comes to mind – I could catch a glimpse of movement once in a while but the whole picture was fuzzy and indistinct. Reading the enneagram cleared away the fog. Here’s what I found out about my 5 type from Explore the Enneagram:

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You lost sight of the universal principle that there is an ample supply of all the knowledge and energy that everyone needs, and came to believe instead that the world demands too much from people or gives them too little. You learned to protect yourself from intrusion and insufficient resources by becoming private and self-sufficient. You limit your desires and wants, and acquire knowledge.

As a consequence Observers retracted into the mind, detached from feelings and emotional claims, and conserved their energy by reducing needs and pursuing self-sufficiency. They didn’t realize that this can lead to a lonely and even impoverished life. Fives believe that if you don’t want, you won’t lack. If you can get along with little, you won’t be vulnerable or dependent.

Six healing and growth commitments for Type Fives:

* Recognize and release the avarice for time, space, energy and knowledge
* Make the counter-instinctive move forward into life and feelings
* Stay present, engaged with others
* Share or give more of yourself while taking in more support from others
* Recognize there are ample resources, and practice abundance
* Realize that the flow of universal energy to meet life’s real needs
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Oddly enough, I just retook the test, in two different formats, and came up with some different results on the tritype. My main type is definitely 8, no doubts there. But my secondary type in one test came up as 4 (first time that’s popped up) and my third type showed up as 7 (not a surprise, that’s my dominant wing). The 5 showed up behind the 7, a distant third to the 4. And when I read the description for 4, it also resonated deeply. This could all be very confusing and lead me down the path of “I need to understand it all and find out more” but I’m going to resist.

Everyone has at least some of all these aspects present in their personalities. Although we probably all have a main type, our other types probably shift a little, depending on where we are in our lives. Interestingly enough, the first time I looked at the tritype, I thought my heart center was a 1, but 1 isn’t a heart type, it’s a gut type. But 4 is a heart type, and that means all three of my tritypes feel accurate (8,5,4). I’m rambling a bit but the ramble is helping me clear out all the stuff I’ve been thinking. Well, not all of it but some. It’s still kind of cluttered in the enneagram closet in my brain but it’ll organize itself at some point.