I feel like a complete failure. I don’t know what I’ve been doing wrong, that I would be so financially unstable for such a long period of time. I can’t even completely sink into self-pity because I know I’ve had successes, but they don’t feel like successes right now. I cannot understand why I haven’t been able to find a decent, fulltime job. I just can’t understand it. I’m starting to feel hopeless and paralyzed. I can’t even make a decision about applying for jobs because it all seems so futile. It feels like this career change is just stopped dead in its tracks. Because I didn’t tailor my education for a specific career and I haven’t been in any relevant jobs for a significant amount of time, I feel screwed.
But I can’t bring myself to go back to tech writing or teaching technology, I just can’t. But maybe that’s just a lack of self-discipline. Lots of people do stuff they hate every day in order to pay the bills. Am I fucking myself over that badly? After teaching those classes earlier this year, the thought of teaching more of them makes me want to vomit. I would teach technology, but not using that shitty-ass curriculum. And I feel like my tech skills are getting dated. I don’t have the Adobe package and I don’t want it. I’m not a designer, I’m a writer. But both tech training & writing positions are asking for the Adobe stuff these days – guess they’re trying to get more bang for the buck. I’m not even sure I could get a job in either of those arenas anymore.
I’m not sure where that leaves me. I’m well-suited to any number of education/coaching/mentoring/lifeskills development/marketing/outreach/communications positions but, again, since I’m switching careers, my experience seems to count for little. I’m an over-educated, entry level peon in the tightest job market our country has seen in 80 years. I feel so screwed. I don’t know where the money to pay the crop of bills sitting on my desk is going to come from. I’ve never been this close to not paying them as I feel right now. I know that there are people much much worse off than me and that I have a lot to be grateful for.
But I’m scared. Scared that I won’t be able to get back on my feet, scared that I’ll spend the rest of my life scrabbling from check to check. Scared that I haven’t done enough – that I really am a lazy fuck and addicted to getting sympathy from people. I’m scared that I’m my sister, making excuses for why my life is going nowhere. I’m scared that I’m reaping the rewards for a series of bad decisions and poor judgment and that nothing I can do will turn things around. I’m ashamed that I can’t find a job or a way to generate money to take care of myself. Scared that after all is said and done, I really am just a loser that the universe wasted a life on.
