After some introspection, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve lost the ability to set goals for myself. My inability to create the work I want or to provide for myself in the way I deserve has eroded my confidence almost entirely. I remind myself that I’ve been able to survive and keep moving, but lately, that doesn’t seem to matter much. I also feel like I’ve been complaining a great deal, or just thinking lots of surly thoughts. Even if I’m not saying them, they’re there.
When I’m not dancing, I mainly feel numb and gray. I spent 8 hours working today and it was awful. Sitting there, in a cube, looking at the computer and evaluating applications was the pits. Made my back hurt too, which created a massive headache. The thought of doing that 5 days a week makes me sad. But the thought of doing that stuff all day, every day, makes me want to cry.
I’m not even sure what I would want to set goals for anymore.
