I suppose what stands out to me the most over the last several months has been the mood swings. I’ll go a couple of days feeling great and then plunge into despair. Sometimes, it happens from hour to hour within the day. I feel like I have no control over my emotional state, my responses, my feelings, or thoughts. I feel like I’m blown around by the slightest wind, running myself in dizzying circles at the lightest touch. I don’t remember ever being this unstable or fragile emotionally and it’s terrifying. It’s terrifying to feel so happy and hopeful one moment, then have the world come crashing down the next.
I confuse myself with my almost manic moments of gladness, which are often followed by a steep plunge into despair. Am I bipolar? Manic-depressive? I shift so quickly that it’s impossible to plan anything – I have no idea how I’ll be feeling when the moment arrives. Is this what it means to be human or is there something broken inside me? If feelings are the driving force behind how we create our lives, what am I creating for myself? Constantly shifting sands, ongoing uncertainty, swirling masses of instability? Is this who I am? I’ve been struggling for the last three years, is it possible that this is who I am now?
Sometimes, I feel like this is temporary (whatever “this” is), but sometimes I feel like maybe this is who I am. If my life reflects who I am, then what does this ongoing state of uncertainty say about me? I heard the word ‘fluidity’ when I wrote that, maybe that’s a better word, but I’m so down right now I can’t really follow that rabbit. Fluidity has a more positive connotation, but it’s hard to imagine being positive about myself right now. I feel so defeated – by my emotions and by my body. I injured my already injured knee again – first time in a long time – and I wasn’t able to attend Dawn & Mark’s wedding.
One of my clients is starting to sound impatient with me, although the lack of progress isn’t entirely my responsibility. I understand his frustration though – I have been off my game these last few weeks. I just don’t want to have to think about it anymore. I’m tired of struggling to make it, constantly worrying, and walking the edge of despair. How can I have a life so rich with interesting projects and loving relationships, yet still so full of fear and anxiety?
