Posted by: moedee on: December 10, 2009
So I saw L at a couple of business functions this week. I sat next to him at one and had to talk to him several times. He smelled REALLY REALLY good! I’m sure it wasn’t anything fancy but he smelled so yummy. I wanted so bad to text him last night, after I was home, and tell him that, but somehow was able to stop myself. But today, I had to email him about something else and I just couldn’t help it. In the course of the conversation, I just had to mention that he smelled good.
He’ll probably laugh it off or not even acknowledge it, but he knows I’ve still got my eyes and nose on him!
Posted by: moedee on: December 8, 2009
I saw you last night and will see you again tomorrow. I thought, hoped, that cutting off anything other than professional communication would erase my feelings but it didn’t. It’s true, I’ve disconnected myself from them pretty thoroughly, but they’re still there, just below the surface. They’re not unbearable and I know more time means more distance.
It’s weird, how intense the attraction felt when you were returning it. Now that we’ve backed off, it feels so much less. Is that how it happens? Two people get swept up in that intensity and they just lose sight of anything else. It would have been easy, I think, to just get lost in that and then, when reality popped up, to be really really hurt. But I have to admit that I miss the flirting and the attention, even if it wasn’t ever serious. And I’m still thinking that you could be worth waiting for. But not waiting around for…
Posted by: moedee on: December 4, 2009
It’s possible that I may have fucked up an incredibly opportunity for myself. A job opportunity I would never have considered applying for showed up in my Inbox. Through a frakkin amazing series of events, I decided to reinvent myself professionally and, with the help of a friend, created an outstanding resume. I ended up having two strong connections & recommendations to the person doing the hiring, I just had to apply online.
I did that, but I left part of the information off not only because I thought it would be confusingly different than my resume, I was also mentally exhausted & made the bad decision to leave those pieces out. I’ve never done that before, exactly for this reason – because you have to jump through the hoops & follow ALL the rules, no matter how trivial.
Well, for whatever reason, that was my decision. I got email today that I was being cut for exactly that reason – that my packet was incomplete. I called the HR person and almost cried on the phone, but she said she couldn’t do anything. There are a couple of possibilities that might get my resume moved on, but I don’t know how strong they really are. I know other things will show up, but it’s hard to be okay with knowing that I’ve only myself to blame for not even getting an interview.
Posted by: moedee on: December 3, 2009
I realize that I’m feeling down about the whole situation with L. I don’t think there ever was a chance that anything was really going to happen. Reflecting back, I don’t think he was ever inclined towards anything other than flirting. Which is fine – we cleared things up fairly quickly and I don’t feel like he led me on.
It was just so nice to have his attention, to know that he was attracted to me and liked me – that it was mutual. And that he was honest about what was going on, that he told me his situation instead of just either disengaging or leading me on. I still feel so attracted to him but hopefully we’ll be able to manage working together. Our conversation about the situation was straightforward and clear, so our relationship is still solid.
I am trying to keep in mind that there is enough love and attention in the world for me, even if it doesn’t come from L. It’s kind of hard, though, because I’ve gotten so little positive attention and I’m finding it so so difficult to gracefully accept the situation, appreciate the incredible gift, and move on. I’m guessing, given the fact that I was so immediately attracted to him, with no real basis for it, that we have history somewhere and that’s part of the attraction. But, honestly, there is a part of me that longs for him and misses him – it’s completely unexplainable by any logical means.
Posted by: moedee on: December 2, 2009
how some incredibly good sex will make things seem ever so much better….
Posted by: moedee on: December 2, 2009
does not equal happiness. I had the conversation with L today. You know the one – the one that goes like this:
[me] “You’ve made it clear that you’re not available and yet we flirt with each other like there is no tomorrow and should probably avoid being alone together. But I think I could really like you, so I can’t do the casual flirting thing. And you’ve said you’re not available for the foreseeable future, so that means I cannot continue to engage with you on any emotional level. At all. Because it would end up being bad for me.”
[you] “Yes, I know and I’m sorry. If things were different in my life, I’d probably be chasing you all over the city. But they’re not and I don’t know when they will be. So I will do my best to keep things professional. But I need you to do the same because it will only take one comment from you to undo my self-control.”
[me] “This is insane. We’re obviously so attracted to each other, it’s crazy that we’re deciding to squash this. I just can’t believe it.”
[you] “Yes, but there it is. There’s just no way I can have anything like this in my life right now.”
[me] “I guess that’s it then. Goodbye.”
[you] “Yes, goodbye.”
You know, that heartbreaking one? I’ve definitely had my share of heartcrushing moments, but making the mutual, conscious decision to not engage with someone you know you’re attracted to (and them making the same decision, with you) just feels awful. I’m sure I’ve probably blown this out of proportion, it’s possible it wouldn’t have gone anywhere anyway. But I feel like I’ve lost something important and special, without ever having really had it.
Is it okay to grieve the loss of possibility?
Posted by: moedee on: December 1, 2009
I’m feeling pretty fucking angry at the moment, but it’ll just have to pass. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve called in sick to work – in my entire 20+ years career. One of those days was last Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. I was just told that because I’m not a permanent employee, I now won’t get paid for the holiday because I didn’t work at least four hours the day before.
Even though we’ve been encouraged to stay home if we’re sick. Even though I’ll get paid for the sick day. Even though I’ve been working my ass off for the shitty wages they’re paying me. Even there is no possibility of a financial increase for the entire time I’m here. Even though they’re getting an incredible amount of value for what they’re paying me.
Even with all that, I just lost a day of pay – punished for taking a sick day. On top of the mandatory unpaid furlough days I already have to take, that lower my already shitty salary. I don’t think they could have come up with a better way to make me want to fuck them over if they’d sat down and planned it out.
Posted by: moedee on: November 30, 2009
So we’re sitting here having this totally fun and lovely text flirtation and all I can think about is whether it actually means anything. Don’t get me wrong, I’m *really* enjoying the flirting, way way too much, but I can’t help but wonder if it will be anything more than just a bunch of cute words. Or maybe that’s all this is meant to be? Just a fun little flirtation with a great guy.
But I want more than that. I want to know you better, to be more important than just some occasional text. And you were clear that you don’t have time right now. Or maybe you’re changing your mind. I don’t know, but you seem quite quite interested. And I’m not about to play coy and standoffish – I’ll take whatever leeway you give me. If you really don’t have time, you need to stop playing the game…
Posted by: moedee on: November 22, 2009
Somehow or another, this appears to be my 800th post. I’m the only person who reads them, though, so I guess it doesn’t really matter. I’ve only got a couple of things to mention so it’ll probably be brief. First, I’ve actually managed to get to Sunday evening without feeling anxious about my new man interest. I am working very hard on being patient, on staying hopeful and interested and eager to get to know him.
Second, I got through two major projects this weekend, they took an enormous amount of time and effort and I’m hoping it’ll have been worth it. The projects ended up being related, all thought they didn’t start out that way. I’d been thinking of reworking my resume but I wasn’t sure what to focus on or what kind of work I would even be interested in.
Well, a position opened up as a youth coordinator and the position would be perfect for me. So I reworked my resume from chronological to functional, and focused less on my technical skills and more on my project management, mentoring, and planning/implementation experience. I’m pretty frakking incredible, with a skillset worth envying. We’ll see if it’s enough to get me at least an interview!
The second project was a presentation to a local youth organization to get their input on yet another project I’m considering. As it turned out, the youth coordinator position is actually the staff position that supports the organization! I didn’t know that when I asked for the time on their agenda, but it did give me an excellent opportunity to get in front of them – get some extra time and (hopefully), make a good first impression. They seemed at least somewhat engaged and one of them thanked me for sitting down and actually talking to them. Apparently, all the other presenters have just stood up and talked at them – they didn’t like it.
So it was a long and tiring weekend but I’m hoping that all the work will have been worth it. If nothing else, I’ve recreated myself professionally and that means I have a lot more opportunities to look for work and work that I could enjoy.
Posted by: moedee on: November 19, 2009
is feeling like a four-letter word to me right now. The man I’m interested in and who says he’s just as interested in me, is making me wait. and wait. and wait. ARGHHHHHHH!!!!! I mean, if he’s interested, why doesn’t he just ask me out already? I know he is, I think he’s just enjoying torturing me. Or doesn’t know/care that I feel tortured. He probably thinks I’m a mature adult with a life; that I’ve got other things going on and am not sitting around waiting for him to get his ass in gear.
Technically, I am all of those things. Emotionally, I’m sitting by a big, black, rotary phone, biting my nails, twisting my hair, and counting the seconds till that fucker finally rings! It is taking an e-fucking-normous effort of will not to just stalk him until things go my way. Trouble is, he’d play along, sort of. He’s pretty responsive to communication, but I haven’t been able to get him out on a second date. I made the first move, have *definitely* expressed interest (as has he), but it’s really on him now. If he really is interested, I need him to make something happen and he knows this.
And still the torture continues….
